Tuesday, September 1, 2015

September 1st

Today is September 1st.

My second day as a stay at home mom.

I'm a little bored to be honest.

This is mainly because my Dr. told me to rest and drink water because my amniotic fluid was low. Therefore I have spent since about 8:30am sitting on the couch watching Hulu and dozing.

I don't have as much guilt or heartache over leaving my job as I thought I would. I do miss my coworkers and the jokes and conversation we had during the day. It feels weird that I don't have a desk to go back to. If I do pick up some hours I will do so from home.

Once Ellie arrives I am sure I will be too tired and busy to think much about those things. My days will be filled with diapers and naps and fussy time. Logan will come home from school and I will be focusing on giving him the attention he needs and getting his dinner and stories and play time taken care of.

For the next few weeks I'm on this sofa for most of the time. I have a few items to take care of - like freezer meals, a trip or two to Target, and packing my bag and making a list for the hospital.

Otherwise I am trying to give Logan all the hugs and kisses I can and tell him over and over again that he is my special boy and Mommy and Daddy think he will be the best big brother ever.
Starbucks Date

Back to School Haircut

With or without new haircuts :)

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Pass the snorkel...

That whole "just keep swimming" phrase was created just for me. I am convinced of this!

Don't worry, I'm not about to pout online again about being busy or upset.

Logan is doing better these days but still has some challenges I am trying to address. The hardest part is that he is just the sweetest kid ever. Full of kisses and hugs and random "I love you mommy!" So watching him get so angry/frustrated over pretty much nothing is tough. He is doing great at school, especially after the room change. His new teacher told me last week she is really enjoying him and he is just a little sponge for knowledge! Our little road here with Logan will forever be a process, I am sure.

We started setting up the nursery last weekend. Crib, rocking chair, and dresser are all in place. We need a few more essentials (changing pad, mattress, diaper pail, etc) but it's coming together. I sat quietly in her room last night and took all the tags off the onesies and hung up all the pretty dresses. I have an entire laundry basket of items that need to be washed and put away already. I still don't think we have enough basics in clothing but I know one trip to Carters on a sale day and I'll be set.

I only have a month left of work until I take an extended leave/quit. My initial idea was to just quit. My boss is trying to find creative ways to keep me around so now I have said that I will do nothing until January and then maybe I can work from home a few hours a week on non-essential issues to help the other staff keep working hard for the clients. This way my brain will stay active!

I am looking forward, in a way, to this new life headed towards me. I joined a beautiful and fancy new gym/studio that will have child care on top of Pilates, Yoga, Barre classes and showers full of fancy toiletries. This helps me know that I have a plan to lose the weight I want plus actually get a shower most days. That's a large hurdle with a baby.

In some ways, I have always seen myself as a stay at home mom. PTA, Bake sales, cookies with homework... Dinner on the table on time? (I kind of feel like I am kidding myself on that one). With Lee's extensive travel we both felt that my being home was the best solution to how crazy life has been and is about to be.

I have a few items arriving this week and then I can take a few shots of the baby room.

Friday we are headed to Dallas to go to Great Wolf Lodge for a little family vaca. Logan is super excited and sings the days of the week song every morning to see what day we are on.

Countdown to baby is around 8 weeks. September 28th.

Two kids. Something I never envisioned and I am super terrified about but...

Just keep swimming.


Friday, July 17, 2015


The thing about blogging that gets me is about how in the moment it is. You share about what you are thinking, feeling, hating, loving, etc RIGHT THEN.

I feel I need to apologize for the debbie-downer posts of late but I won't because it's what I was going through at the moment and I needed to get it out.

So let's focus on some good, shall we?

1 - Ellie (in the belly as she is referred to at my office) is A - OK! All is well. She just has to grow for the next 10 weeks. I'm concerned about how much MORE uncomfortable I will be as she gets bigger. She has had a foot in my rib cage ALL DAY today - just moving it around all willy nilly with no real care about how I feel about it.

2 - Logan is amazing. We go through ups and downs with him, but that is normal for all parents and I have to actively remind myself of that. Just because he has some special behavioral/emotional issues that we address doesn't mean that when he gets mad at me when it's time to turn off the ipad and get in the bath tub that it isn't normal kid stuff. Some aspects of it aren't but that is what I address and then I get his dirty boy booty in the tub and move on.

He changed rooms in his school this week. Partially because it was time because of his age vs. the age of the kids in the room. Mostly because his teacher was not following through with the tools/advice that both myself and the school director had given for addressing issues she was having with him. I was appalled at her lack of cooperation and the director made the move swiftly upon my call up there to talk over what I was seeing and hearing. I am grateful that she was so accommodating. I wasn't asking for anything special and out of line.

3 - Lee and I are as happy as can be. He's the best husband I could have ever asked for. He lets me cry and be unreasonable and is loving and patient. I'm sure I'm pretty much Shrek most of the time. Angry, sweaty, super fun to deal with...

There you have it. An update with happy stuff and not just complaints about life being difficult.


Tuesday, July 7, 2015

"As long as it's healthy."

Ever hear the cliche "we don't care if it's a boy or girl, as long as it's healthy."

Well I am sitting here at the point where it doesn't sound like a silly saying anymore.

It's true.

So - the little spot on the heart has so far turned out to be nothing. It's common and not harmful and doesn't mean she has any issues.

Last week I went to the Dr and we did another ultrasound to double check the heart and check on her growth since she looked large.

My Dr. comes in and is like "well... now we found a little something between the heart and the lung in a spot where there shouldn't be anything. I need to refer to to a high risk Dr. to double check that."


Then the whole "how have you been feeling?" conversation starts and after I whine about being so tired I can barely function, she decides I am more than likely depressed.

Well I am sure if I read back to the last 2 or 3 posts, it's more than likely true. 2015 has been killer and I am just not able to cope with it anymore.

So I call Lee and cry about this finding and depression and he is pissed he didn't go with me - though we both thought it was just a check up.

The next day the babysitter texts me as she picks up Logan from school. "He got into a fist fight today and was very aggressive with his friends. " So now my mind rewinds to January when all the stress with his behavior issues came to the surface.

Let's say no one should be surprised when I spontaneously burst into tears in the car Friday in the HEB parking lot and cried for at least 10 minutes. Lee just watched and Logan was confused.

Today we were supposed to see the Dr. about the ultrasound. I had ANOTHER ultrasound and the tech seemed confused as to what she was looking for, so I guess that's good. The genetic counselor didn't see anything concerning on her end. And the Dr. was stuck at the hospital delivering twins. So the one person I needed to see to ease our worries didn't show up.

I really miss those large glasses of wine right now.

Baby Ellie looks great. She is estimated about 2.5 pounds and is moving all the time. All I can do is sit and pray (and worry, let's face it) and hope she is healthy.

Prayers are welcome.


Thursday, June 11, 2015


2015. NOt a real fan at the moment.

I previously updated on our 2015 HERE
It hasn't improved very much.

We did find out we officially were having a girl back in May. I'm pretty jazzed about it because since she is quite the surprise in our lives, having one of each will be cool. Plus I hope it teaches Logan a little patience and how to be a protective older brother.

April and May were otherwise quiet for us so I should have known that June would be the next stressful time to jump out at us...

May 29th I had an ultrasound and there was a "bright spot" on the left ventricle of Ellie's heart (oh we confirmed again it IS a girl...) She had no other issues other than she is in the 96% of size and her belly is a little big. I am worried I am developing Gestational Diabetes but I can't do anything about that until my test on July 1.
So back to the bright spot.
It is considered to be a "soft marker" for chromosome issues like Downs and Trisomy 13. Don't google that... it's afwul.
So I spent from the 29th through June 8th terrified there was something wrong while I waited on the test results. Finally I got the all clear. *whew*.

In the meantime, we left on the 31st for Hawaii. We had a lovely time in Kauai at the Grand Hyatt for Lee's 100% Club (work incentive trip). We had been to the resort before so I knew I was going to enjoy my coconut latte's and the saltwater lagoon on the property.

We get home and all of a sudden.... the toilets won't flush. The showers won't drain.


The initial fix wasn't going to be cheap but it wasn't as bad as we anticipated.


Currently my yard looks like this:
In the process of fixing the issue, it was discovered that all our pipes are cast iron in concrete and they are so badly disintegrating that they couldn't couple the new pipe with the old.

All. New. Pipes. to the city line (behind the pool).

Not cheap, folks.

At least they made sure we could function in the house until this was all fixed. Hopefully by Friday the trench is filled in and they can start fixing the patio they had to wreck.

Happy June.

Even our pastor said "Dude. you guys are having a cursed year."

'Nuff said.


Friday, May 15, 2015

A Friday in May

Logan's sleep has been ROUGH.

I mean - newborn level rough.

He has always been a little iffy on the sleep thing, especially as a newborn. I have read a lot on ADHD and I know it's common for little ones like him. There is so! much! to think about!! and settling down is hard. Then when you wake up to pee there are other! things! so! exciting! This morning he woke me up at 4 (after waking me up at 1 after not falling asleep until 9...) and asked for the iPad. Bright eyed awake. Ready for the day.

Of course I told him no.

Anywhoo, this leads me to today. I left work at 12 after a long client meeting. I shopped a little in the Galleria (where my meeting was in the adjacent office building) and stumbled upon Zara...
It is disturbing the amount I could (and probably will) spend in this store.
For instance:
I die from the cute.
I am now dead twice from the cute!
Logan tried on a pair of his swim trunks last weekend and there were...snug. So I grabbed him a pair of these for like $15!!
After that I grabbed a sandwich on the way back towards the office. I realized, at nearly 1pm, that I should just go work from home.

So I did.

I'm tired. Pregnant. Hormonal. And I have the ability to work from my house in my cotton pants while watching the current Mad Men marathon. Why not?!

Then I saw this:
Pinch of Yum
So I made them.
Duh (re: pregnant. hormonal. home alone)

Don't get me wrong. I DID work as well. I may or may not nap (it's only 3:30 currently and Logan/Lee won't be home for 2 hours).

But this time alone at home with cookies, Mad Men, and emails... this introvert needed it!

Tonight we are playing Candy Land and Hi Ho Cheerio tonight for our very first family game night. Those who understand Logan and our struggles realize the accomplishment of sitting down for a board game... File it under things I didn't think were possible.

Enjoy your weekend (if you are still there - I know I take long breaks...)


Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mother's Day 4.0

Today is Mother's Day. It is only my 4th but this year it really seems to mean something to me.

This year is the first year I had to really stand up for my kid and fight for him.
I had to stop myself and look harder at him and understand him.
I had to reach beyond what I knew I could do and make a plan to help him be the best kid he can be.

I love being a mother. Most of the time I struggle with it. I have even stopped and thought "why did I do this?"
After the last few months, some of that has changed. I have a clearer understanding of why being a mother (in my eyes) was so much harder than I understood it to be. Now that we have a plan working for Logan, it's easier.

Oh it's still hard, trust me.

But I no longer sit around pondering what the hell I've been doing wrong.


To take it a step further, I am quitting my job in September to stay home full time with the new baby, Ellie, and to be more available and less stressed for Logan.

What kind of mother will I be when I haven't had a full day of meetings and problems to solve?

What kind of mother will I be when I have had chances in the day to refill my own cup of needs while the baby is asleep?

Sure, not all days will be magic and flowers, but I believe that being able to go for a walk on the bayou instead of rushing through traffic for a meeting that could have been handled on the phone has to be better - for everyone.

I'm looking forward to what our life will look like come September. Adding this surprise baby to the family is something I have no idea how to prepare for mentally or physically, but spiritually I am working hard at it.

Happy Mother's Day to all those mothers out there who, like me, are still figuring it out.

One luke-warm cup of coffee at a time.